No Marriage PitchBook – Project Two Chainz

***Download Presentation Click here –> Project Two Chainz *

Today we are here to represent men in Project…Two Chainz. Men have come to us asking for strategic advise regarding staying single (going public – IPO) or getting married (entering into a merger agreement). With that said, lets turn to Slide 2 for our necessary disclosures.

We are required to tell you that these materials have been prepared by one or more writers of WallStreetPlayboys.com for the men or potential men to whom such materials are directly addressed and delivered in connection with an actual or potential “engagement” and may not be used or relied upon for any purpose other than as specifically contemplated by a written agreement with us. In accordance with The Bro Bible (Bro Code XXIV (signed into law since the dawn of time) and such other laws, rules and regulations as applicable within and outside the Man-o-sphere, Investment Community, Investment Bankers, Hedge Fund Managers, or otherwise. Please turn to Slide 3.

We will be covering the main topics, starting with a Date-o-nomics Overview, Single Life Valuation (IPO), Marriage (Potential Merger), Caveats and our concluding thoughts on how to improve America. Let’s get started on Slide 4.

Successful men have asked WallStreetPlayboys whether, in our opinion, staying single or getting married is of best interest in the current environment. It is in our opinion that the current environment suggests men stay single and avoid the current “Life Plan”. We have run the numbers and looked at the net net net (Yeah we took that IB accounting training course for analysts as well) valuation of men and have concluded that this is the best course of action for the time being. Please take a look at the bottom of the slide.

The bad. The real bad bro. Even with a pre-nup the following occurs: 1) your future assets can get crushed in a divorce, 2) even if she done gone and cheated you’re still in the red, 3) in mutual agreement… you’re still burned… Now that we’ve gone over the bad here’s the logic behind the good.

You avoid the average age of marriage… 29 too early. You can check out our basic analysis here as men can age like wine. If you work hard… 1) income increases, 2) good-lookedness increases, 3) more assets become protected by a prenup if you decided to bite that bullet much later in life. With that said, all of these rewards do not come for free. You need to work hard and have some talent, please turn to Slide 5.

Work ethic (operating margin expansion) and talent (long-term revenue growth) must work in harmony to create the best range of values for a man. Lets take a look starting in the top. So becoming George is likely a tough sell, however we believe he’s a great case study for the Playboy lifestyle which we will cover later on in this presentation. With that said lets take a look at the center of the chart where we believe everyone can get to the unlocked potential of a hard working man.

Finally, if you’re a lazy loser then you simply do not deserve to succeed and your life gets worse and worse over time ending with a big goose egg and WTF reaction from us. So, if you decide to take a journey through the volatile equities market we believe you’ll succeed as hard work can beat average talent if average talent is “settling down”. Now you’re wondering how boss can my life get? Well lets take a look at Slide 6.

Alright now that you looked to the bottom left please pay attention. Lets get started. With the red dotted line. As you can see even George realizes that marriage was a bad decision and has since likely swallowed the red pill (bro-love, fist bump). Now lets take a look at the results. After his divorce he decided to never marry again and even won a bet with Michelle Pfeiffer/Nicole Kidman that he would not be married by 40…. He even got $10K out of the deal and slept with Michelle’s sister. Game recognized. Not even a hater can hate on that one.

We won’t go into great detail on the quotes since they are there on the page, however a summary is as follows: 1) always be failing, 2) America is losing the war.. .for now, 3) travel is good, 4) do you want kids?, 5) work hard and listen when you’re young, 6) the internet has some dumb die hard ugly radical feminists out there, 7) we pick on the feminists for a reason, 8) Don’t marry. We will touch on caveats later.

Finally, to conclude this slide, do you think it is a coincidence he landed Stacy Keibler AND won  an Academy Award for being the Co-producer of Best Picture Argo in 2012? Coincidence? We think not. As a final note, you’re valued up to 1,000 as we assume that is what George Clooney is currently batting at this point in his life. Okay so now you’re asking well, did you run the numbers on the merger scenario? Of course we did please turn to Slide 7.

As you can see starting in the top left corner we ran the numbers ex-revenue or cost synergies for a base case scenario. Notably, gross margins expand, which are then immediately offset by a large increase in operating expenses, clothes and makeup. Quite the headwind heading into a pro-forma analysis. In addition if we can move your attention to our sensitivity analysis you see that Net Income is quite variable depending on the revenue generation capabilities of your wife… This is good and bad news as our extensive research in clubs and bars suggest that revenue generation and “beauty” are inversely related. Now if you are interested in nickels over dimes then we have one last scenario analysis to look at.

At the bottom of the page we have here an incremental cost analysis, in particular a Home and a Loss of new Sex Partners are significant headwinds in your future. To conclude our analysis we learned that there are zero revenue benefits associated with such a merger. None bro. We believe this leads to a net headwind of roughly $2.4M over ten years. With that said lets take a look at the one and only caveat to the story, kids, please turn to Slide 8.

You see that this is the one and only reason we see fit to enter a marriage agreement is if you’d like a family. At this point in time since we are simply pitching no marriage here we have not taken a deeper dive into this analysis. For your viewing pleasure, however, we have come up with a few solutions. First being to adopt a baby. You can change his life and the incremental costs are minimal relative to marriage, second you can simply leave the country Thailand and Argentina come to mind. With that said, this all sounds so bad and awful so how do we fix this? How do we make a marriage more beneficial? With that said lets move on to Slide 9.

As you can see the current environment is encouraging the activities on the right side while discouraging the activities on the left. We’re no rocket scientists, only Investment Bankers, so who would you rather be? An ugly writer on Jezebel or a WallStreetPlayboy? A Playboy Bunny or a woman who video tapes herself consuming candy corn Oreos and is damaging her body in unfathomable ways making it clear she does not value her own life? A Billionaire or a Broke Ugly Hippie? A real Barbie Doll or the new “Natural” Barbie Doll that is being released? We had no idea Barbie was on drugs? We think you know the answer. If we can get more people to understand logic we will all be healthier, wealthier and happier with our lives. Everyone wins if we take care of ourselves. With that said please turn to Slide 10.

Here is our contact information if you’d like to hear more of our important life advise. Buy us a shot,  like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.

If you’re a girl we may include a presentation to improve your life as well, in the mean time any donation would increase the likely hood that we add you to our rotation.

With that said lets go ahead and turn it over to Questions and Answers. Please discuss.

Comments

  1. Peter says

    You guys are too much! I was laughing the entire time you guys even had footnotes on that motha fucka.

    I’m forwarding this shit to everyone i know!

  2. Banking 4 life says

    Hahahahahaha

    You guys are hands down the funniest people on the Internet right now. I’m buying you guys a shot for this one awesome work. Sending it around tomorrow morning.

    The Barbie doll comparison was the nail in the coffin.

      • WS Playboy Partner in Crime says

        The perfume I want is like $65 but I just don’t wanna spend my own money buying it. Hahah.

        I want a sugar daddy!

    • M&A says

      That’s a pretty awful article to explain mergers actually:

      “So why do these deals persist? They’re glamorous, high-profile, and make vast amounts of money for intermediaries. They feed CEO vanity and a love of size. They also persist because they are often decided by rank-and-file shareholders, who are those at the furthest remove from the company’s operations. Those with the most power are also those with the least insight.”

      This kind of bad information is exactly why these guys are writing.

      1. If you were a CEO why would you pay a banker simply because you want to pay him? Ceo’s are actually cheap people. Wealthy people only pay for things that deliver results.
      2. Feed CEO vanity and size? Another major lie, the majority of CEOs actually have failed more times than imaginable, cocky/confident? Yes. Vain? Nope.
      3. They are decided by shareholders… Yes just like everything else?
      4. How are they furthest removed when the highest holding investors will naturally have a high stake in the company and even a board seat? That’s like sayin you have a 90% position in a stock but don’t care what happens to it evey day.
      5. Those with the most power have the least insight = LOL. So we should listen to the advise of people who have no power because they sure have their lives in order.

      Perfect example of a bad article to explain M&A though.

      • ::: says

        I like the comparison to marriage – you’re defending merger work but the point is more about sources of executive errors in judgment.

      • M&A says

        Damn this M-F***** is retarded. Executive errors in judgement LOLzzzz at you. There are always executive errors in judgement no risk no reward. Donald trump went bankrupt and still came back but no your two minute analysis in high school of 80 mergers (which is nothing) should be the bulk of the analysis.

        You must be on the nickle piece side of slide 7.

    • Wtf? says

      That article was incoherent. Looks like it was written by a retard. Hope you don’t mean “I like mine better” as in… Hope you didn’t put that “deep dive” analysis together.

  3. WSO Lurker says

    Hilarious PitchBook guys! I was just doing a book this week and was about to break my mouse but at least this book made me laugh

    I hope Oasis ends up picking it up!

  4. Chris A. says

    Was scrolling through some of your older game content and saw this. Fucking epic. You guys swallowed the red pill (clooney slide) way before I even heard of it. Your game posts make even more sense now. Looking forward to more game posts soon

  5. Aww says

    “I probably – definitely – wasn’t someone who should have been married at that point”

    Fuck, I am already married.. with 3 years old girl..

    Worth around 4 Million dollar, looking good in shape, in early 30s..

    No sex life.. 🙁 but horny 24/7..

    Would you kill that merge?

  6. Fe says

    WPS,

    Amazing and straightforward post!!!

    I would like to say that when it comes to have a child, you also have the possibility of surrogacy. Not only will you be having a baby with your genes but also you don’t have to take the unnecesay risk of having your child taken (+child support) away from you -in case of a divorce-. In third world countries like India or Russia this procedure will cost approximately $50 000. A non issue if we have followed your pieces of advice.

    PS: Folks, remember that nowadays, even though you are not getting married, the same legal obligations of marriage may apply in case you have lived in a monogamous relationship with the same woman for some period of time under the same roof. Not only in the rich western countries but in others as well (Argentina or Uruguay for example) 😉

    Cheers from Uruguay!!

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