7:45am: Alarm clock does off. (Snooze)
7:50am: Alarm clock goes off again (Snooze)
7:55am: Alarm clock goes off, hits snooze button and finally gets out of bed to change. 8:00 hits and the alarm clock goes off again because he keeps his clock next to his bed so he doesn’t have to stand up to get to the desk.
8:20am: Just got out of the shower and is now running **10 minutes late** see above.
8:30am: Gets into his car. “Oh my god I can’t believe this traffic I don’t think i’ll be able to make it to Starbucks!”
8:55am: “Well I’ve got about 5 minutes i know the Barrista I have been trying to hit on for the last five years knows my drink I should be okay.” Gets his drink, pays $4 and heads to work.
9:03am: Arrives at work. The three minute delta is no big deal because no one cares about his work anyway.
9:05am – 10:15am: Reads a bunch of important news articles on “Yahoo” and “Shine” about dating and lifting weights. Ignores the fact that the articles are written by overweight 40 year old women.
10:15am: “All corporations are gross so I better check my paystub to make sure I am still getting paid!”. Logs into overdrawn checking account. “Yep still making $10 an hour”
11:00am: It’s getting close to lunch. “Hmm that girl over 7 cubes is really cute, I haven’t talked to her in person for the last two years but its probably makes sense to ask her out to lunch out of the blue”. Messages girl 7 cubes over through internal message system. Her response “Hey sorry I don’t think so i have other plans”.
11:30am: It’s lunch break time. No time to pack lunch because he was **wayyyyy** too busy this morning. Goes out to Chipotle to buy lunch where for some reason CNN is playing in the background. It’s about Wall Street. “Oh my god those dirty corporate bankers are taking all of my money with no work ethic whatsoever, I could ‘EASILY’ do their job any day of the week.”
11:45am: Sits down to eat his Chicken burrito (may as well save 50 cents right?), he eats lunch with his *friends*. Over the next 45 minutes they refresh their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest accounts 75 times checking out that “cute girl” from when they were back in high school. Living in the past.
12:30pm: Arrives back at his desk. Goes onto Doostang, Indeed and other job search boards realizing he has similar qualifications for multiple jobs that pay $10K higher on an annual basis. Does not send in resume. Begins doing work for the first time in the day.
1:30pm: Gets email from admins in the office. “Company Happy Hour Today!”. Jumps for joy! “Oh man i can’t wait I love happy hour we get drinks for like $2 and maybe that cute girl i just messaged will tell me she likes me!!!!!! Continues to do some minimal work.
3:00pm: Does minimal work. Reads a few fitness articles on “cross fit”. Doesn’t realize all of the people on cross fit look awful and the program is tailored for women. Also realizes he signed up for the gym but has not gone for the last three years and likely looks like exhibit 3.
5:00pm: Well at least he got some work done between 12:30 and 5:00pm. It’s time for happy hour! I can’t go to the gym today because maybe that girl likes me!
5:30pm: Arrives at happy hour. Cute girl does not show up. The ball game is on, March Madness. “Oh my god man i can’t believe people think XYZ team is going to win, that’s not possible, Number 33 averages 26.72364617176525 points per game and 6.28363345 rebounds. No way the other team wins man, I bet you, I bet you whatever you want man.” His boss turns to him and says okay I’ll bet you $10. “Nah man I don’t bet money on stuff man, lets just make it a friendly bet.” Boss looks at him, squints “sure”.
8:00pm: **His** team lost. Of course he has never played a sport before in his life. Now the conversation is turning *philosophical* “Man yeah, i can’t believe those sports players get paid so much its dumb they shouldn’t be paid more than doctors they should be paid much less”. His friend slightly nods his head, his boss already left the building. A man in a suit is standing behind them and asks “If he’s overpaid why do people pay so much to watch the games?”. Neither of them have an answer.
9:00pm: On his way home he remembers that there were over 20 attractive women at the bar who he did not speak to. Man that guy in the suit was a real jerk. He was probably some uptight Wall Street guy I’m going to **fight him** the next time something like that happens.
10:00pm: Finally goes to bed with an extensive hangover and a slightly lighter bank account. “Man I wish i had time… I wish I had time“.